Lifetime Bliss Of Eternal Torture N' Pain....

2004-01-31T08:01:00.000-08:00

The best away to avoid a difficult ending is never to have a beginning in the first place. I hate awkward moments and pathetic characters who don't know what's good for them. Unrequited lovers who don't know how to call it quits. Pathetic fools who don't have minds of their own. Different dramas, same themes.

And what's this madness with reality TV? Those who relish watching all the backstabbing and sniping and bitching really have no emotional finesse. I guess they enjoy all these very much, perhaps to even pick up some tips at intensifying their viciousness. What is wrong with all these people? Have they lost all sense of civility? They are so cool that I bet they've no qualms about dropping bombs on the helpless innocent. These are the unemotional rational people who watch on the sidelines and give so-called fair criticisms of the so-called backstabbers and snipers and bitches... when the truth is they are no different from them.

[ Continuation ]

Myabe I should avoid my friends from elite schools like JC's and eggheaded ppl. One of my ex-classmate told me that i should keep my distance or better still, severe ties with them coz ive fallen.. nah not in love cos my defination of love is complicated.. Love : U can onli love someone when u have gone thru the relationship itself fer about 3 to 5 mths.. The length of the time u spent together must vary to the depth of the seriousness and commitment. Onli then will u see their shit. And u can onli love one person at a time.. Love for the family and frens not counted.. [ I got a Dejavu while typin this down. ] So yeah, love at the first sight dosent exist at all. Back to the story. Ive fallen for a student from jc and a friend of mine told me to stay away from her cos im mite be a bad influence to her. Sigh.. He's rite tho'.. So i guess life still kindda shitty fer me eh? =) Well more shit will come end of next month.. Tt's when i'll prove to u guys tt im gonna fail my O levels.

2004-01-25T22:47:00.000-08:00

[ Sat Jan 31, 08:01:28 AM | Haikel Zaini |

The best away to avoid a difficult ending is never to have a beginning in the first place. I hate awkward moments and pathetic characters who don't know what's good for them. Unrequited lovers who don't know how to call it quits. Pathetic fools who don't have minds of their own. Different dramas, same themes.

And what's this madness with reality TV? Those who relish watching all the backstabbing and sniping and bitching really have no emotional finesse. I guess they enjoy all these very much, perhaps to even pick up some tips at intensifying their viciousness. What is wrong with all these people? Have they lost all sense of civility? They are so cool that I bet they've no qualms about dropping bombs on the helpless innocent. These are the unemotional rational people who watch on the sidelines and give so-called fair criticisms of the so-called backstabbers and snipers and bitches... when the truth is they are no different from them.

[ Continuation ]

Myabe I should avoid my friends from elite schools like JC's and eggheaded ppl. One of my ex-classmate told me that i should keep my distance or better still, severe ties with them coz ive fallen.. nah not in love cos my defination of love is complicated.. Love : U can onli love someone when u have gone thru the relationship itself fer about 3 to 5 mths.. The length of the time u spent together must vary to the depth of the seriousness and commitment. Onli then will u see their shit. And u can onli love one person at a time.. Love for the family and frens not counted.. [ I got a Dejavu while typin this down. ] So yeah, love at the first sight dosent exist at all. Back to the story. Ive fallen for a student from jc and a friend of mine told me to stay away from her cos im mite be a bad influence to her. Sigh.. He's rite tho'.. So i guess life still kindda shitty fer me eh? =) Well more shit will come end of next month.. Tt's when i'll prove to u guys tt im gonna fail my O levels.

Sunday January 25th 2004

Some people who think they can have all the fun in criticizin me without knowing what they're into. They think they can be completely anonymous. And they run scared when they realized someone on the other side of the screen were not merely making empty promises. *coy smile* No matter how cold I am in life, I still give due respect to the people regardless of their backgrounds. I still have empathy for them, believe it or not. Some people just don't have even a tinge of empathy for strangers. They think they can get away with everything -from lies to sexual harassment to psychological blackmailing. Just try me. I know my rights and I have the guts to follow them through. Are you game enough for that?

Psychologically sick as usual. Now.. physically and emotionally sick as well.. I was thinking of doing some shopping to cure myself.. Gonna get my ears pierced and buy shoes clothes etc.. When was the last time i topped up my closet? And yeah i want to sign up for a Marine course. It will be handy in the future for a person like me i guess.. I mean.. look at me now?? All crippled and rusted at 18.. What oppurtunity is there for me when ppl keep on looking at my past. Heh they dont relish on this cliche " all that past is dead and gone " sigh. tough luck so yeah dun screw ur life like i did.. Becoming good is useless for me now.

Anyway.. i think im gonna quit my job more likely to get fired coz i didnt get the respect like what other employees got. I noe im just a guttersnipe but wat gave u the rite to criticize me and ask me to shut up whenever i voice out?? Plenty of shit to write down but wat the heck.. I wont use em as bloggie-filler. heh

Continuation...

Someone suggested i shud write love poems instead. Love and haikel dosent rhyme.. I tried and it turns out like this. its kindda cool =)

VALENTINE'S DAY

Hearts and roses and kisses galore....
what the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer,
It's definitely the most annoying day of the year.

This day needs to get the hell over and pass,
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupids ass.
So I'll end the day so drunk I can't speak,
And wear all black for the rest of the week.

Guys and gals act all sweet but soon it will fade,
For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit,
Because I think love is a crock of shit!
So here's my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass....fuck Valentine's day!

So yeah. if u got all pissed off during valentine. heh u'll noe wat to read.

2004-01-19T14:06:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, January 20th 2004...

Seriously.. I cant force myself to delete my blog. This site is like a haven for me to spit out watever is clogging my mind.. Not for entertaining or watsoever purpose.

Betrayal

He looks at her deep in the eyes
Ignoring her pain and tearful cries
He fills her head with fearful lies
Her feelings of safety he plainly denies.

She's too young to deal with this
She pushes it down, ignoring what is
Her body's stolen in one great kiss
The parts that died she'll later miss

A girl so young, where does she run
From the abuse of what a loved-one done
He had his pleasure, he had his fun
What were her chances? She had none.

A trust is betrayed, boundaries are crossed
This girl is broken, her dignity tossed
Her childhood taken, her self-being lost
He took this child at every cost.

I-Kel@2004

I think this the most meaningful so far. Its abt a gal who was dumped by a guy.. U guys can decipher it dont you??

2004-01-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

[ Wed Jan 14, 09:06:41 AM |

I notice I can't stay in a place for too long. I get tired of things easily. My spirit is carefree while at the same time hypersensitive. Through experience, I learn not to dwell too much into things to keep my sobriety and sanity intact. If I dwell too much, I might drown myself in an ocean of emotions, blinded by the pain, blundering through life, stumbling and falling while you're alone and friendless.

People can just watch you wasting away because they can't reach out to you. There's a glass wall between you and them. You are left to flounder on your own - until you find a way to break that glass wall. Even then, don't expect people to be there for you always. Your spirit must be independent and free. If you want to cling on to something, make sure it's transcendent. You can only find that in Lord. Human beings? Well. Sometimes they are there for you. Sometimes they aren't. Sometimes they understand you. Sometimes they don't. In other words, human beings can be pretty unreliable sometimes.

I remember once when I was stepping out of my cocoon, moaning and complaining that my friends looked for me only when they had problems, only to be told by a fellow classmate that life is a matter of making use of one another. I was dumbfounded, incredulous and depressed. Imagine what such harsh words would do to an ingenue to the ways of the world, who still saw life in black and white as determined by the powers that be, who was steep in the belief that altruism and egalitarianism govern our lives. In reality, it turns out that such conception of life only condemns you to a peripheral existence.

I've made several U-turns in my life. I used to think if only there are some ways I could erase my past. But it's impossible because people keep on reminding me abt it.. I guess I've to live with it.

Over the months, I've learned to cut my losses. Never be ashamed to make U-turns when you feel you're going the wrong way. One thing I learn is that if you really want to learn about life, be humble. If you're humble, there are many people out there who are willing to help you out. Most people are proud of their wisdom and knowledge and are always willing to share. Contrary to what that classmate of mine said - that life is a matter of making use of one another - I see life as a matter of sharing. Your earthly possessions don't really belong to you. You're just the keeper who have to account to The Owner when you return to Him. So make the best out of those earthly possessions.

The U-turns in my life have made me pretty erratic. Life is never static. That is one truth in life I learn. And I've learned to redefine myself according to changing circumstances. Years ago I'd call such behaviour opportunistic. But it's a survival skill you ought to learn if you're to keep yourself sane and sober.

Sometimes I wonder.. Do i really make sense?? *shrugs*

2004-01-13T03:59:00.000-08:00

It gets real tiring reading the blogs as I dwell in the same old things. I almost yawn as I read some parts. Some other parts are embarrassing. But then again, for me, this is a baggage purging exercise to rid myself of whatever crap clogging my heart and mind. Like IRC, it's therapeutic. It's a place to stare all my foul ups, bleeps and blunders in the face.

I reckon patience is part of faith. Hence all these recurring themes show the cyclically linear progression of life. Nothing new really. Just hang on till it all ends. The only difference is how we deal with the situation as it recurs - are we gonna lose our head as we dwell in self-denial yet again or are we gonna go through the event sensibly this time round and accept it with an open mind and an open heart, which no doubt will make us better human beings? God puts all these tests along the way to help us discover ourselves as human beings, lest we forget who we are. I reckon the reality is that simple. But being human beings, we have so many distractions in life - the devil and our desires.

Not so simple to go through it and survive in one piece. Yet it is not an impossible feat.

Woman In The Mirror

I saw a woman
Her face unclear
In the candlelight
Her face glowed with radiance
But her features undefined

She was afraid to see
The face which would have been sallow
Under the brightness of the chandelier
The eyes which would seem hollow
The stubby nose not delectable for show
The lips dark and uneven
In the candlelight
She could hide a million flaws

She could even chant in mockery:
"Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who is the ugliest of us all
It is you, my dearest ugly lady
Whose appearance is unthinkable
In any beauty."

She very well knew
She was escaping from the truth
Hiding in the dim light
With her flaws out of sight
But she had to build up her courage
To gain a glimmer of hope for the future
Despite all the flaws
She tacitly admitted to herself

Nobody understood
What she was up to
Not even her family and friends
For they regarded her as a stranger
And she encouraged them to do so
Because nobody would care
Much less probe
Deep into a stranger's flawed life
And the stranger inside her
Led her to live in isolation
And then convinced her
That nobody would understand
Nobody would lend a hand
And hope was like a grain of sand

I saw the woman
As I stared into the mirror
She might not possess
The acclaimed outward beauty
But inwardly
I knew there was more to her
Than anyone else could see
And it was up to me
To discover her inner beauty
For the woman in the mirror was me
Too obsessed with physical beauty
But never paid any attention
To other equally wonderful God's creation

If acceptance could only be attained
By the virtue of physical beauty
What then would life hold for us all
Since ugliness and beauty
Are oftentimes intertwined
Why must we hide from reality
Since life itself is real
And we must see what is there to see
Not see what ought to be seen

I-Kel@2004

it took abt few weeks to complete this poem.. probably because i had a hard time trying to imagine myself as a woman.. weird eh?? well women are the stronger sex when compared to men.. In years to come men will be like wat women are doing now.. trust me.. it'll happen.. This is the longest one i wrote so far.. enjoy....

If u ever read this Fari.. would like to wish u happy bdae... and also to my lil bro.. happy bdae too.

2004-01-11T14:47:00.000-08:00

Heh i just dont understand why ppl use " keling Pariah " to humiliate me... How many times must i say tt im proud to be an indian?? for Pariah.. its an english word NOT malay.. It means a person who is rejected by the society or social outcast.. So to the person who left the message ( !!!!!!!!!!!! ) " Yo keling Pariah ", apparently u dont know what the hell u are saying... Coz im anti-social and i am an indian.. Do ur homework first aite??

p/s because u used " keling pariah " i know ur a malay.. And i dont hang out with malays quite often.. you must be someone who ive stripped ur ego before and now u are trying to seek revenge by reading my blogs.. How thoughtful.. tracking down ur ass wouldnt be hard fer me.. =) besides its my hobby to track down ppl...
next time think before u say anything okie dokie?

Oh by the way.. my 8 yr old bro could insult me better than u do..

No Saint

Yes I am no saint
But what right have you
To condemn me for what I am?

Pardon me I mislead
But guided by stereotypical views
You misread

I do not have the stamina
To maintain a pleasant demeanor
As I succumb to my demons

True I am no saint
Still I am a human being
Just like you

I-Kel@2004

2004-01-07T03:50:00.000-08:00

Have A Safe Journey My Sweet Lady

Have a safe journey my sweet lady
Don't let the flowers
Distract you from your long journey
For the flowers will not bloom forever

I don't want u to cry my sweet lady
As the flowers will die for sure
Always remember, there's no room for fear
And don't stumble blindly upon your journey

Your journey is far my sweet lady
Full of thorny paths and distractions
Your dream is the only motivation
May God bless you for your entire journey
My sweet lady.........

I-Kel @2004

Been writing a lot lately heh... If you're tired of it.. Im sorry. I just cant find my venomous thoughts in this f**ked up brain of mine heh.

2004-01-04T20:05:00.000-08:00

It has been a disappointing week. All my plans have gone awry. That's why I don't like to plan. If I don't plan and things fail, I won't be too disappointed. But now all my careful planning have gone to waste. And the weather has been against me too. *sigh* But I won't blame the weather cause it would be akin to blaming God. Now that would be utterly blasphemous.

So here I am, sitting at my writing table by the window, watching the scenery outside. It has stopped drizzling. The sky is losing the daylight. The mood is sombre. I like this kind of weather. It's cooling. Nice to laze around doing perfectly nothing. Watching the sunset. Heh.

It's only recently I realise that people need a pat on the back for a job well done. Human beings are like that. I used to think compliments are unnecessary. I thought people should be self-motivated enough to excel in whatever they do. I don't really remember my parents and teachers commending me for a job well done. I only remember their scolding and criticism of my mistakes. Or am I a cynic since early in life that I only remember all the negative things and forget about all the positive things in my nurturing? Beats me. All I know is I've become the guy I am today with a whole lot of issues that I don't even know myself sometimes. Heh. But life goes on. I have my own idiosyncrasies and eccentricities. But that does not make me less human. We're all fucked up one way or another. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Let's face the fact. There are times we make a mess of our lives. The only thing is you've got to have the guts to clean up all the shit you've made in your life. So no matter how fucked up a person's life is, I'd not judge him by the mess he's gotten into. Instead, I'd judge him by his ability to clean up the mess. Like I said before, what differentiates human beings and animals is the faculty of reasoning. I admire people who make full use of their mass of grey cells. =)

Continuation........

Some people think they're so goddamn good simply because they are soft-spoken. They are contented with their apathetic selfish ways. They let others rot while they make advancements. In their quiet stubbornness, they reject any difference there is, always upholding their brand of truth as the ultimate.

They don't realise that sometimes, there is a need to be cruel to be kind. ( thanks Fari ) The worst human being is one who doesn't make any progress. Admittedly, like so many things in life, this is subjective. How do you define progress? Let's just say we have to put things in perspective. If you're a cleaner, you clean up the place well. If you're a reporter, you write your report well. Your work speaks for you.

Some people, due to insecurities because of the lack of schooling and agility in adapting to changing times, prefer to uphold the status quo to others' disadvantage. They become manipulative without realising it.

It seems there are many brands of truth. To be aware of their existence is to alleviate conflict and create understanding. But if one brand of truth works to the detriment of others, something is very wrong here. There are times we have to agree to disagree.

Perhaps I'm too harsh in my judgment but I feel as you reach a certain age, you don't want to change. You don't want to rock the boat because you'd jeopardise everything you have worked so hard for. You can't make do without your 5 Cs. You can't make do without all the material comfort and luxury there is for your family.

Yet life is transient. I've seen how selfish people can be towards others with whom they do not have any blood ties.

But whatever motives people might have, it's for God to decide.

As for me, I do not like to see people rotting in front of my eyes. People talk behind these losers' back to avoid hurting them. I prefer to say it upfront, throwing the gauntlet so these losers will improve themselves. I believe you learn better the hard way.

But I always end up being the bad boy. How sad.. Boo-hoo... No matter how much i force myself to be good, people will look at my fucked up past.. So why do i even bother? *sigh* heh at least i noe my mistakes unlike some ppl who will justify everything including their evil deeds

It's an uphill battle. I would have given it all up a long time ago if I do not have this sense of purpose and altruistic zeal in me. Yeah I'm the sort who gets affected by "a blue hinge on a restaurant door". How crappy can I get, you'd ask. I don't know why I have the affinity for bizarre tendencies. I don't know what prompted me to pick up all the litter on a wet field alone one day when I was in primary one, only to be punished by the teacher who told me to stand outside the class because my shoes were dirty. It's a thankless job really and I guess I'll stop once I feel I'm stripped of all self-esteem and there's nothing left for me to give.

2004-01-04T03:48:00.000-08:00

I cant sleep. Not because of the headaches that i'll never fail to get during the night
The truth is, im happy and im going to write about it whether u like it or not. I've broken down the story that im gonna write in 3 diff parts. If i didnt, heh its gonna be long. Trust me..

( 1st Chance )

Life goes around in a big circle if ppl open their eyes and take down all the things that happened to them.
Ive known Maisurah's existence for like 11 yrs. Never once will i not miss seeing her face at school cos we took the school bus to get there. Funny thing was that i couldnt differentiate
between her and her twin sis back then =) Yeah so i ended up liking the both of em but never got the guts to approach.

( 2nd Chance )

After the 6th year of studying in that school. I didnt know which school she was going till last year when i saw her standing alone, with her crescent gals' uniform on.. waiting for a train at Jurong East MRT station sms-ing.. AGAIN I didnt approach her. I told my ex about the encounter and she got irritated i think =)

( 3rd Chance )

Well it was a typical day im IRC and I saw this name ( Maisurah ). I clicked on it. Yeah it was her alright. The gal that i was madly in love with since i was in pri 1 heh.
Yeah things are alrite between the both of us...

In terms of look, she has the sweetest smile, nicest eyes and kindda cute too ;) and u guys noe im a sucker for gals like that heh. She has all the things that i hope for in a gal.. looks, brains, and heart ... Im not gonna let this chance slip away.. Wat do u guys think?? She keeps on appearing in my life and every action has its own reason.. Fated?? Only time will tell =) All this while she thought i had another belle in my heart.. She's the belle actually. Ppl got freaked out by me.. Dunno why though.. So yeah, when u see me smiling for no apparent reason.. I must be thinking about her =)

i gtg sleep now ( see u in my dreams mai ).. Got work later.. =) man im happy!

p/s We met... and God... she's sweeT!!!! Thanks Cupid... owe u one ...

Years of pain that engulfed me when it happened
Years of pain that ive suffered in silence
Questions begging for answers circled my brain
Questions begging for answers almost made me go insane

It prevents me from falling into a deep slumber
That has eluded me for so long
Unoblivious to the raging storm
Makes feel that my days are numbered

It took 11 years to close the distance
And because of ur existence
My thoughts ceased
My heart frozen blissfully
With the warm love u showered me

If life says goodbye to me.. i want to tell u this
Thank you for being an angel who fixed my broken wings
You are the gal i love and u are the one that i'll always miss...

I-Kel@2004 ( can anyone help me to give a title to this poem?.. I cant think of anything.. heh )

2004-01-02T23:58:00.000-08:00

Funny how is it people agree with me about things but never dare to speak up. I'm left to speak up for them. I bear the risk. If my point is taken seriously, they'll benefit. I can understand. I'm a free agent.

I still have my parents. But sometimes I feel they'd be better off without me. Less heartaches for them. I always hurt them because I've always been very vocal. Too vocal in fact. I feel like a total @$$hole every time I had a tiff with them. I tried to be patient with them knowing I'll not even smell Heaven without their blessings. But sometimes I felt they went overboard. So much guilt in my life. That's what someone told me sometime back. But feeling guilty means you're human. You have conscience. You have shame. If you don't feel guilty, you have no conscience, and have no shame, you can justify everything you do including your evil deeds.

I've reiterated time and time again I'm not going to live a stereotypical life. But apparently some people just don't get it. There is no such thing as a perfect life and a perfect person. We are all retarded one way or another. If that makes me a retard, so be it. Everyday I do battle with other people as well as myself in what I believe is for the good of everybody, no matter how thwarted that sense of goodness may seem to other people. I fight a lonely battle. I try not to dwell in self-pity no matter how tempting it is. I try to live life with a clear conscience. But that's not easy unless I opt for self-delusion. But then again, what goes around, comes around. No matter how hard you try to self-delude yourself, the truth will always get back to you. So no use hiding from reality.

I become so uncharacteristically myself these days. My tired old heart is sighing a lot these days. The time off from work should have rejuvenated me but it didn't. I am so goddamn tired of my work. It gets so mechanical I'm becoming all stiff and more like the tin man looking for a heart in Wizard of Oz. Promising field I'm in but it's as good as dead if the people are dead hearted. Other people think it's alive and well but I see dead things floating around everyday. It spooked the hell out of me. No wonder I feel dead. For all I know I might be surrounded by zombies. heh

I think I'm hallucinating and suffering from attacks of schizophrenia. I sound like it.

2004-01-01T11:45:00.000-08:00

Someone Better

Everyday of the week..
I write down a name i dare not speak..
I swear by the morning breeze
That there was always someone I would miss..

I wished that one day...
I could find the courage to come up to you and say "Hey"
As love and i had the wit to win...
I found the courage that was buried deep within..

We became lovers..
The happiness that you brought to me,
made me feel as if im living in the world of fantasy..
Our love story reached the last chapter...
When you said "Im in love with someone better"

Ahmad Haikel Zaini

Copyright ©2003 Ahmad Haikel Zaini

I sent this poem to a competition.. Manged to get thru the semis and lost.. Well seems like im gd at nuthing.. No matter. Btw this is the last love poem. The others i threw it away =)

2003-12-31T03:44:00.000-08:00

Hello again, blog.

It's New Year's Eve today. But why don't I feel like celebrating? My life seems to be going down the hill although other people might think otherwise. Funny huh? I've never appreciated what I have or did i put up a fake facade? Never ever be afraid to express your feeling for someone.Otherwise you might end up living your life in regrets like I do now. If i didnt tell her, she wont know. If i tell her, she'll be freaked out like the others. heh tough luck huh?? Well i cant blame others but myself. Why the heck am i stupid?? Why the heck am i not as rich as him?!!!

Well well... Money does make the world go round - even though it's just motion, no action.

Well im nothing but a guttersnipe i guess.

But no matter. I still got myself. My brain is working fine i think.

Well I'm just fucking tired of everything. And tomorrow I've got to settle some unfinished business. Not slacking around the house till the final hour like I always do these days. So I guess I'll stop here for now. On a final note, I observe since I've just started blogging again, my thoughts are all over the place, the scatterbrain that I am. And yeah stupid too!!! And pls dont go " haikel u are not stupid. " Its a cliche.. Cliches are not bad actually. They are just irritating... and that's bad.

Serenade Of A Forlorn Heart

My dear heart
Serenades a forlorn tune
As I mentally embalm it
With whatever sweetness that's left
After it weathered the storm
And left battered to the core
Almost lifeless with unspoken agony

As I comfort it with endearing words
My dear heart breaks into a song
That wells the eyes with tears
As melody loaded with despair
Brings forth shattered dream
And remnants of hope that's gone

Too flowery huh?? *shrugs* i was listening to Beethoven's Moonlite Sonata while writing this poem down...

Oh by the way ezzy.. Sorry for being a mad man.. I couldnt help being depressed. =) Oh yeah another last note.. Don't ask who she is...

2003-12-30T11:37:00.000-08:00

My brain is functioning brilliantly, I should think. Hehe. I'm happier these days. Perhaps I've shifted some load off my head through conversations I had with various people. It's the same case. People sharing my concerns and yet felt voicing them out are futile. *sigh* I guess nobody wants their @$$ to get burnt. Me? I'm a free agent. Still single and no major commitments. If something happened to me, I bet life still goes on for the people around me. If I get my way, they will benefit. If I fail, they have nothing to lose. I'm not making myself out to be a martyr. But it's been a long time before I can do what I want to do. My mother used to give this crappy advice biar orang buat kita asalkan kita jangan buat orang. She allowed her siblings to brand my FAMILY and I as useless cos we are not rich and my father is an alcoholic. For the record, my cousins aren't doing any better academically.Yeah yeah they are rich alright. They can buy a Nissan Skyline just like that. Well i wouldnt give a damn about education if my dad is some rich guy who owes land in Malaysia, a boss or a manager owing $6K per month.

I still remembered once when my family couldnt afford a house and we stayed at my grandma's place. My parents were working during the nite. My uncle organised a picnic or a bbq at east coast and he brought along all my cousins and my grandma except me and my elder bro. I was 8 back then and my bro was like 12! How the fuck could a person who really has strong religious background did sort of stuff ? to leave me and my bro alone at night ? Why ? Are we some sort of pest till now?? Even if you hate my dad cos he's an alcoholic, why must u show ur hatred towards us?? We were just KIDS!! Heck some ppl just weren't born with guilty conscience.

The part that really made me angry was that my mom did nothing about it. How could she do that ? Seems like my family dosent care about our family's dignity and pride except for me. So much of the lame advice. I was so damn reluctant to accept the hari raya money he gave me. yeah eventually i did accept it cos my bro whispered to my ear to take it.But i ended up giving the money to her daughter as hari raya money.

Do u think i'll forgive u because u are fucking rich who owes 2 cars and the third one is coming soon?

Do u think i'll forgive u because ur wife's bag cost over $2k?

Do u think i'll forgive u because u could afford anything in this world?

U can take the paper with the face of the dead president and shove it up ur ass! I dun give a damn about your money!

I've learn not to accept money from people be it friends or relatives...

2003-12-28T11:37:00.000-08:00

Ghosts Of The Past ( Guilty Conscience )

Living a life of a tormented soul
The days and nights drag by so cold
Your heart so frozen you just can't breathe
You no longer know what to believe

You live a life a man deprived
The voices in your head so rife
Apparitions drive you up the wall
You face your shadows in a brawl

The haunting keeps you awake at night
Hallucinations you just can't fight
Sleepless nights worsen your fears
In the dark the faces jeer

Drained by the ordeal of the past
You wonder how long it all will last
Between reality and the abyss of your mind
You just don't know where to draw the line

I find it harder and harder to express myself in writing.. I got a lot of things in my mind but my hands failed to type it out and to translate the thoughts into words..

2003-12-25T11:36:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking how some memories make us feel dead, while others make us feel alive. And I've been thinking too how some of us get into unhealthy relationships. Despite all logic, we still cling on to the pain. In a perverse way, the pain gives us the thrills and dramas that make life more interesting and exciting.

Life is simple. There is no need for things superfluous. Yet we make it convoluted cause it adds spice to our lives. The truth is usually simple and untainted.

But simplicity bores us. In a perverse way, we prefer the pain to things mundane. We prefer death to life. And hence things morbid fascinate us. We love only the people who hurt us time and time again in incredible doses. We prefer this even if it kills us physically and spiritually.

How many of us have become the living dead? We operate mechanically. We mistake motion for action.

Sometimes it's best to cut your losses rather than cling on to things you think might be of value to you. How do you determine that? Hard to say. I guess when you feel it's gonna be a lifetime burden, that's when you have to let go.

How do you do that? For starters, pretend they are dead and gone. When the crippling pain eases, sort out your thoughts. Draw out lessons from the experience. Simple. Theoretically that is. Practically, you gotta have the discipline.

To make it easier, stay the hell away from people who are such pain in your @$$. No matter how interesting, exciting and fascinating they are, they are of no use to you if they only bring pain.

I don't believe God creates man to feel eternal pain. Only fools would think that way. I guess I should change the title eh?

merry x'mas to my Christian readers

2003-12-23T03:59:00.000-08:00

Hello again. I feel like not to write on you anymore. But as desolation descends, I find myself turning to you. You capture fragments of my thoughts and feelings. And I find myself trying to piece together the jigsaw puzzle of my life.

It's been a long time. A couple of months. And I find myself drawing nearer to you. Truth is I have no friend. Maybe a few. But I don't trust the whole lot of them. They're just making use of me albeit their vehement denials. It's something I encounter and getting used to more frequent these days. Elderly people ( I feel old you see ) are always vulnerable to sweet eloquence.

I thought I could find things truly noble in that God forsaken place. Apparently it wasn't an unpolished gem. But a piece of glass smeared with soil which cut me in ways I could never imagine. My vision was nothing but a dream. It was more of a daydream. A hallucination. A nightmare. Something that I woke up from with a rude shock.

I always lost in the game of persuasion. It wasn't so surprising. I didn't want to be obliged to people. I didn't want to get involved in the mess they were in. I pretended I didn't know. I pretended I wasn't listening. I pretended I didn't care. When the truth is empathy is so easy for me. But I didn't want to become vulnerable by empathy. People are opportunistic and selfish.
Ok so I screwed up. No one to blame but me. I didn't want to see it later in the day. It was a horrible feeling. Not my day. *sigh*

And fuck that bitch. I wish the damnest cloud hovers upon her head.

Nice swear. =)

2003-12-21T11:35:00.000-08:00

These days I feel like going into multimedia or something or even movie making. Crazy right? At my age and the way I am? But then again, it's never too early or too late. You're never too old to do anything or too young to dream of anything. Especially now when things seem to be changing at a neck breaking speed.

Everything seems to be so fluid. Sometimes it's scary just thinking about it. But that's life for you. You see where the tide takes you to while at the same time struggling to keep your Faith intact. It's all a matter of juggling and making choices in rapid succession. You've gotta think hard and fast what are the fundamentals that you can't do without and what are the things you need to change to elevate you to greater heights. Tough job.

I think to live is the bravest thing you can do. So nobody is a failure really as long as (s)he hangs on to life no matter how tough the going gets. Sometimes i wonder why the fuck I think about my future. It's not that i wanna live till im 50 or something. hehz =\ oh btw.. i was thinking of sharing this blog... anyone interested?? tag me.

Plastic

You set me on a pedestal
And bask in the laurels
You want me to smile
And always be in style

I hide my demons
My fears and insecurities
I fight my tears
And suppress my furies
But on my own
I get so spastic

I want to tell you
It's all so plastic
But that's how you love me
That's how you want me to be

I dont know wat hit me to write this poem. Maybe i was just thinking about my past relationship. You see, when u got monomania of someone, u tend to change yourself rapidly to suit his/her liking. Your life will be nothing but fake. " Plastic " i like the title. heh falling in love with my own writing.

Love do make people stupid. =/

I should stop writing about love.. heh

2003-12-19T11:34:00.000-08:00

The sight of lighted up skyscrapers at night used to ignite my imagination. I used to imagine myself watching the skyline at night by the window of a luxurious apartment with a loved one. Alas, that will remain a dream which will never come true. I'm still my relatively poor self. I can't afford to have all the five Cs - car, cash, condominium, credit card and country club. I lose out on another C - class. Class makes a person attractive, I guess. I only have one damning C - crudeness. I shoot my mouth off. I don't seem to have any discretion at all with regard to social norms. I don't know what's normal behaviour and what's not. People think I reveal too much for my own good. Some people think I seek attention unashamedly. ( and if u think im all out for a sympathy vote.. finish up the sentence k? ) I don't know why the fuck people hide things. Why can't they just tell the truth? Why can't they just say it when they don't know things? Why can't they just show their likes and dislikes? Life would be so much simpler. There won't be any need to read between the lines. There won't be a hell lot of misunderstandings.

Sometimes when I'm in the cab and the driver tuned into 90.5 FM, how I wish I could go on a spin in car with a loved one listening to all the wonderful love songs. Alas, that's another dream that will never come true. But there's still hope I get my license some day and buy a car and go for a spin while tuning into 90.5 FM at the wee hours of the morning.

Perhaps I just yearn for the romance without any commitment. I think many are attracted to the romance in a relationship. But when it becomes a responsibility, it becomes less attractive, less exciting and even taxing. It becomes a strain. It creates tension. Been there done that. For those who thinks that being in a serious relationship is a easy thing to do.. Think again.. You must keep put with your couple expectations. If their expectations are to high for you. you can kiss it goodbye.

I'm to afraid to live my life and instead prefer to live in my dreams, beautiful dreams that I'd rather not become reality. What's holding me back? A sense of inadequacy? Maybe. I'm too afraid of fighting for my own happiness only to lose it all.

You can say I'm a coward. No risk taking. No pain and no gain too. I can risk everything but not things tt will affect me emotionally.. You get the drift?

Maybe I'm too lazy. Maybe I'm getting lethargic cause I've been feeling rather old. Padahal tak tua.. heh

Hmm btw i read someone's blog and she stated " Islam is not a religion.. its a way of life.. " wat the heck.. She prolly did a lot of sins and afraid to pay the piper OR education ruined her. As your education level gets higher.. You'll tend to think that you are mightier than God and the prove of your power?? a degree.. heck.. I dun understand why some ppl could use intuitions when explaning Maths and cant use tt when it comes to things like religion and stuff.. a typical free thinker saying " if there's God.. why is there so much suffering in this world? " well.. open ur eyes and see.. if there's no struggle.. will u thrive in life? besides, the ppl who hold higher post in this world abuse their power and do ppl turn to God when they are in financial problems?? no... they gamble with their money and still PRAY TO GOD SO THEY COULD WIN... like that will ever happen.. pathetic.

2003-12-18T11:33:00.000-08:00

Couldnt sleep thinking about my O levels result.. Why the heck didnt i give my best shot at it?? Coz i didnt care abt it.. Its not tt i have the vision of scoring A1 or smthg... I just realized tt if i dun want ro do it fer my own future sake.. i shud have done it for my family.. ARGH i feel so goddamn guilty.. Im sorry mom coz i noe i will disappoint u.. You see My family and I empathize with people who are poor because we used to be poor. There was once my family did not even have rice to eat for three days until a sympathetic colleague of my father lent us some riceand my dad and mom had only 75 cents in their pocket and tt money was for transportation to look for a job.. My mom cried coz she couldnt even afford a pillow when i was born.. My mom cried beside the drain holding me in her arms coz she couldnt find a job to feed me. People looked down on my family because we were poor, because my parents were nothing, because everything in our house were castaways, because my parents had too much pride in zealously upholding their principles. My parents were the dignified poor who believed religion and education would uplift our living standards.

Even though my family are better off now, I've never forgotten the dire poverty we had to go through. I should have used this as a motivation to study Instead of letting the humiliation wrecked my self-esteem to pieces.

If i failed.. i'll fight tooth and nails and show to the ppl who were born with silver spoon and look down on my family that Zaini's aint no loser or failure.. After all success derives from failure... Im not going to let my mom own again.. i love u mom.

2003-12-17T11:32:00.000-08:00

Butterfly

One day a small opening appeared on a cocoon, a man sat and watched
the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force it's body
through that little opening.
Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had
gotten as far as it could and it could go no further. So the man
decided to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors and snipped
off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged
easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man
continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any
moment, the wings would expand to be able to support the body, which
would contract in time.

Neither happened.

In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of it's life crawling around
with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that
the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to
get through the opening, were God's way of forcing the fluid from the
body of the butterfly into it's wings so that it would be ready for
flight once it achieved it's freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God
allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would
cripple us. We would not be as strong as we could have been. We could
never fly.

I asked for strength...
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.
I asked for wisdom...
And God gave me problems to solve.
I asked for Prosperity...
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.
I asked for Courage...
And God gave me Danger to overcome.
I asked for Love...
And God gave me Troubled people to help.
I asked for Favors...
And God gave me opportunities.

I received nothing I wanted.
I received everything I needed.

2003-12-16T11:32:00.000-08:00

Here I am. Trying to call a spade a spade. Seeking the truth in existence. Soul-searching myself into depth I've never known existed.

You know. I could drown in this quest. It's all too easy. I don't know if it's gonna be worth it. But I believe my strength, as well as my weakness, is empathy. So it seems to be the most natural thing to do.

My detractors could easily use these blogs to deride me because it's here I've revealed myself, warts and all. But then again, it just goes to show how interested they are in fair play or how much integrity they have. Still, I'm always interested in people's responses to things. ( can ppl really figure me out by reading my blog?? I doubt tt they ever will cos i only reflect 50% of myself here )

You see, being the philosophical person that I am, I'm always interested in the nature of human existence. These days, I notice I am obsessed with driving people up the wall? Why? Could be I believe people show their true colours when they are pushed to the edge. There's nothing I appreciate more than honest responses.

Continuation...

I am a revengeful person.. I didnt realize that at first till my mom blurted it out while i was watching tv. I was like " me? revengeful??" come to think of it.. yeah i am a revengeful person.. I remembered once when i was in pri 3 my mly teacher handed out my workbook.. It was full of errors and she scolded me this infront of everyone.. " kalau Cikgu sepak kau.. Cikgu jadi hitam kau jadi putih!! " Her words stucked in my mind till now because of the utter desolation that engulfed me when it happened.. The shame.. She made a fool out of me infront of e entire class and to top it all of, the gal who i had a crushed on was laughing too ( cute huh?? had a crush when i was in pri 3 ).. And that wasnt enough for my teacher i guess.. She scolded me again " Eh haikel, Cikgu rase kau pergi klass Tamil pon bagus lah.. " I stared at her eyes for a while before she ordered me to get back to my sit and do my corrections.. I re-did everything in super small hand writing coz she wouldnt be able to read it... During recess I went to my mly class and dirtied the place ( cos she's the one whu'll have to clean up the place ) and knocked down almost all the tables and chairs... Hehz =)

2003-12-14T03:58:00.000-08:00

My daily life....

In the aftermath of another sleepless night, I'm just musing how some people don't know what they are getting into when dealing with me. I can be such a sweety ( hehz ) when I am in a good mood. But when I lose my kewl, I can transform myself into a raving mad man. Visualize the pendulum and that's how fast my mood can swing. No kidding. I can get easily affected by things. After every tantrum, I feel so guilty. Yet I can't help getting angry. Some people have even recommended I see a psychiatrist or something.

I think I just need a lot of personal space. I keep my socializing activities to a minimum. Dealing with people in the workplace is enough to take its toll on me. The only crowds I can stand is no crowds. I've stopped keeping in touch with most of my friends . Occasionally I'd go out with this small group of people. Most times I go out alone to window shop, usually on weekdays because I hate to bump into the weekend crowds. Saturday is usually spent slacking all day at home and entertaining my two hyperactive lil bro. Sunday is usually a working day. A typical day would be spent in surfing the net before and after work. Work would be from afternoon till night. A good night sleep would be from 2 to 6 am. Dawn prayer will usually start the day. I'd spend the morning arranging the folded clothes in my wardrobe. I hardly do housework. My parents do all the household chores. *sheepish grin* I just mind my own room. First thing I'd do after waking up is to fold my blanket. I'd spend abt 30 mins getting ready for work. Excess time would be spent, checking e-mails, surfing and website updating.

I don't know where this extreme antisocial streak came from. I've inherit all the bad behaviours of my parents i think.. Education doesn't seem to change that. I end up becoming so temperamental clear headed one moment, irrational the next. It's a lonely climb to the top. I don't relish in the world of academia. it sucks

I guess I've built up a world of my own. Sometimes I let people into my world. But they don't seem to like it much. Maybe they find it boring. Maybe it's too disturbing for them. I am indeed a disturbed person no matter how conventional I may appear. I try to be conventional. Less complication that way. But that needs a conscious effort every second of the day. It's tiring. Time and time again I'd succumb to raw feelings and end up snapping at everybody and reverting back to my idiosyncrasies. When I decide to be an open book, it's easy to know what I like and what I don't like. I don't even have to say a word and people will know my feelings. See how scary I can be. =)

That's why I don't really blame all the gals who leave me high and dry. Makes me sound pathetic, doesn't it? Hehe. Actually the feelings I have for gals thus far are pretty shallow. I don't really let people in. I feel I've no business to expect love from other people when I can't even love myself.
The truth is not always savoury. I'm so accustomed to brutal honesty. I'm torturing myself to see facts as they are. I realise other people are not as cruel to themselves as I am to myself. That's why they can survive better than me. They live their lives the way human beings should. I don't. The fool that I am. And then I end up becoming someone so pained. I don't even have to live life this way. But old habit dies hard. So much understanding yet so much pain. but heck that's life.. and im still living hehz.

2003-12-12T11:30:00.000-08:00

I feel like im so damn mean these days. Ever since ive started blogging i feel like all the pain that was buried deep inside me just spulrged out and somehow it's taking over my life.. Am i getting mad or am i getting mad?? Argh heck!even if im mad life will be less stressful for me.. In short, i dont give a damn abt my own being hehz. I cut myself todae.. reminded me of the time i used to cut myself frequently.. Prolly when i was sec 1 i think..

Anyway.. funny i dun find it painful although i did it without any purpose behind it.. Thanks to Ezzy.. If it wasnt for her, i'll probably turn my left arm into some sort of art.. hehz

Hmm read a book todae and i got an interesting extract.. Makes u think abt life:

The soldier draws an analogy to a tennis game. The whole afternoon may be devoted to this tennis ball. You aim the ball here, you aim it there. You are using that external thing, that ball. But after the game is over, does anybody give a damn about that ball? Not at all. It's left behind for one of the players to pick up and put in the bottom drawer. It means nothing to anybody that's spent the afternoon playing with it.

That is how to treat the things you value most - your health, your love, your prestigious job - indifferently. You play with them, fight for them - they are the tennis ball - but you don't internalize any of them. Don't count on them or you become their slave. Don't count on your lover's promise to always be with you. Don't expect your job to be there tomorrow. Fight for it, but be ready to put your idea of your perfect job in the bottom drawer and go on. (p 164)

So is life worth fighting for??

It's harder to blog these days without a clear mind. But it's good practice. I've long been a repressed person. All my feelings and thoughts were pushed to the back of my subconscious mind so much so I can't behave rationally when things get fucked up. I know I have good reasons for reacting the way I did. But I couldn't really pinpoint what was it exactly that was unacceptable. No doubt some people have used this to their advantage. But I was never gonna take this lying down. Not ever.

oh i got this email..

Kecantikan Lelaki

Kecantikkan seorang lelaki bukan kepada rupa fizikal tetapi pada murni rohani
Lelaki yang cantik.....................
Adalah lelaki yang mampu mengalirkan airmata untuk ingatan,
Adalah lelaki yang sedia menerima segala teguran,
Adalah lelaki yang memberi madu, setelah menerima racun,
Adalah lelaki yang tenang dan lapang dada,
Adalah lelaki yang baik sangka dan,
Adalah lelaki yang tak pernah putus asa.
Kecantikan lelaki berdiri di atas kemuliaan hati
Adalah kecantikan yang sempurna seorang lelaki.

*yawns* in the end its the looks tt count.. Blegh!

2003-12-11T11:29:00.000-08:00

i have deleted something coz someone didnt like her problems to be mentioned here.. I respect ur privacy heh.. She got this monomania over a guy from IRC that's all i can tell. Anyway i got a lot of things in my mind that i want to write about.. BUT i dont know why i find it hard to convert my thoughts into writing.. hmm my body is tired but my mind is active.. So wat's wrong with me?? Maybe ive lost it... DAMN!

Oh yeah i might forgot to put this so i think i'll better say it now....

Why do I have to do things that I don't feel like doing? Everybody does it, so I have to do it? I've learned the hard way not to follow the crowd. I don't want to feel lost like I did, following the crowd because it's the most convenient thing to do. And then when I was supposedly at the pinnacle of conventional success, I lost myself. I was the idiot with no studies. Useless son to my parents.

Maybe I'm still lost now. But at least I can still feel the ground. I'd stumble when I feel the intermittent tremors. But at least now I can pick up myself and get on with life.

I've come a long way. I've made it on my own. Alone.

So who are you to tell me how to run my fucked up life? Were you there when I fell flat on my face? You weren't and you'd never be there for me. You'd probably laugh your head off. My life is a joke to you. It's of no consequence to you. I'm the one who had to pick up the pieces of the world that came crashing on me because of you..

You have no idea. And I doubt you'd ever bother.

SO TO THOSE WHO THINK I'M ALL OUT FOR SYMPATHY VOTE YOU CAN FUCK OFF!!!
I"ll GRAB YOUR FACE WITH MY PALM AND FINGERS, GORGE YOUR EYES OUT OF THEIR SOCKETS AND SUFFOCATE YOU TILL YOUR TOUNGE PROTRUDED LIMPLY OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!

I hate ppl who think that im all out for that.. All i want is someone to hear me out.. i may sound so GODDAMN mean most of the time but im a human.. i was born with feelings.. I dont ask for ur advice cos im good at mending my spirit. All i need is sometime to think and to put my thoughts into action.. Besides, most ppl will give me a lame practical advice which of coz wont work.. The sorse kind of ppl are those whu listen to you and tell others " oh.. haikel kan die org mintak simpati " FUCK THAT!

Now im pooped out.. but feelin better.. time to hit the hay or hit the sack wadeva!

2003-12-10T11:28:00.000-08:00

I realize I have low stamina. People expect me to be affable all the time. But I simply can't especially when I feel a rush of blood to my head when people get on my nerves.

I usually felt at ease at the beginning of the month. But I have a very short fuse these days. It always happens when I try to be pure and demure. It's just not me. There's only so much I can do to maintain the balance of things. I try to portray a semblance of normalcy and be a happy-go-lucky person but I can't maintain it for long.

People loathe to see the brooding me but that's just me whether they like it or not. That's what make me the person that I am. Are people trying to make me feel guilty for being me? What the f*** man. People misinterpret my words because they think of the politics of anything and everything when I don't mean my words and actions to have any underlying meaning. So am I to blame when people fail to see my point of view when they themselves fail to see things from my point of view? Whose minds are more shrouded. Theirs or mine? Maybe I am dense. But I do not fear being me. It's just that sometimes I am perplexed why people react the way they do.

Someone said amidst my fucked up life, at least I know what's going on. Some people don't even know what hit them.
I know what's going on because I try so damn hard to find out what's wrong with me. That explains why i failed to keep up with my studies because i kept thinking about what hit me.. *sigh* One thing gd about blogging is that it helps u to point out your mistakes in life.. Kind of too late dont u think???

Continuation...

Today is one of the saddest days of my life. For some time now I've noticed perceptions can be subjective. So no use
arguing about it. Selfishness comes in different forms it seems. And I've learned to let go. Take things as it comes. No use worrying even if it's for the benefit of everybody. For all you know, it can make matters worse. Sometimes less is more. Less said, soonest mend. No use explaining. People are not interested and not listening. Let them be swept away by their desires. They're content that way. Whatever shit that comes with it, either you tolerate it or ignore it. Try and learn.

I've given up on people. I will not despair. But I give up on people. Let them get caked in their own shit.
Just another lesson to learn. =) hey at least ive learnt it.. Positive thinking is the FIRST thing u should do when u find yourself landing on a big pile of shit.. heh

A person asked me " Haikel, what kind of ppl interest u the most ?"

When ppl ask me abt wat kind of ppl i like.. My answer is this.. " i hate human beings " hehz

okok... the kind of ppl tt'll interest me the most are those who'll stand on their grounds no matter what.. They dont follow trends.. they'll stick to their liking even if ppl call him/her childish or *kental*.. These kind of ppl with strong mentalilty and spirit just fascinates me and make me want to know and get closer with them even though they appear childish and *kental* to me as well.. =)

Continuation...

I've heard the concept of manic depression but don't really know what it really means. I thought it's a form of depression - which it actually is. What I didn't know was you could be extremely happy when you're feeling manic. So manic depression is basically a kind of extreme mood swings - which I actually experience.

I've always said my mood swings like the pendulum. It's amazing because it makes you completely agile. So agile that you might get unhinged. Heh.

Anyway, I think my condition is within control. People just dismiss it as one of my eccentricities and leave it at that and I've never really buy the idea that I'm a material for a psychiatric ward although some people have thrown in the idea that I should see a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

Like someone said, if you can't solve it, it's not a problem because no one actually knows how deep is your shit except you yourself. And a problem will not be a problem if u stop seeing it as a problem. I think it's a cool way of looking at things for someone as tense as I am. =) I don't have to live as if the whole world's troubles are on my shoulders. I'm not obliged to. Ithink i'll stop here.. Blogging is a challenging mind activity.. My head hurts. heh
[ Tue Dec 09, 03:06:01 AM | Haikel Zaini | edit ]
I'm very thin skinned where socialising is concerned. That's why I don't socialise much. Everything is touche to me.
When I go out with people, I expect them to give me 100 per cent attention, not making some other plans with other people right in front of my nose. Just because my value has dropped as an old spinster, it doesn't mean I can become a spare part to anyone who is for want of better things to do. I do not need anyone to take me places. I can go places on my own. I love my own company because I can do whatever I like and I don't have to abide to anyone else's whim except my own.
So if anyone thinks I am so pathetic, get this: I don't need you to drag me out of my cocoon. I leave it and return to it as and when I like. If you don't feel comfortable hanging out with me, just bear in mind no one's pointing a gun to your throat to do that. Like I said before, I dont give favour neither do i like to accept favour. If I give you a treat, you should thank God for it because I believe He is the one who prompts me to give you the treat. I give treats only when I feel like giving. If my heart is heavy, you won't get any treat from me. It's as simple as that. So you really don't have to repay me anything. You don't owe me anything. If you feel so obliged, then give the money to those who need it more than I do - the mosques, the orphanages, etc. For my part, I really don't expect anything from you. Just don't do things you don't feel like doing. That's about all I ask from you. Am I asking too much?? I dont think so

Hehz.. i got a couple of emails from friends.. They said tt im being racist... Read my blog recent blog and u'll know wat i mean.. Hmm next Adolf Hitler to eliminate all malays?? hell no!! most of my love ones are malay.. Anyway, i was kind of surprised that my blog attracted quite a lot of readers.. I thought all these while ppl wont be bothered to read my blog because of either its too long, crappy OR no one is interested to read abt my thoughts and views...

My reply to these complaints : Im being racists?? Look who's talking now?? What abt u guys, for making Indians the butt of every jokes? Do u think i didnt get offended by that kind of jokes that ive been hearing since i was a little till now? Think again! You expect me to go Ha Ha when ive been hearing it ever since i was a kid? U guys do know that i see myself as an indian NOT a mly even though my I.C stated me as a malay... Its the blood that runs through my veins count.. not some cards made of plastic.. or some laminated papers..
Now i sound like Hitler.. heh
I dun understand u guys... If the world is divided into two kind of ppl.. the whites and blacks.. The blacks will be the superior race since all of u guys ( refering to those who sent me emails saying im a racist ) listen to black music.. u talk black, walk black and dressed up like black.. i rest my case

I got an email from a friend ( i wont mention her name ) who said that i'll probably wont get married coz my life freaked her out and she bets tt it'll freak out other gals too... How cool is that? =)

My reply to this email : My blog freaked u out?? heh well im sorry.. For the marriage thinggy.. it lies in God's hands.. not mine.. =)

Thanks for ur criticisms, views and thoughts abt my blog.. Do keep them coming at razzmatazz_rmc@msn.com or u guys could just tag me..

2003-12-07T11:27:00.000-08:00

Havent been getting criticisms lately and that's bad ( if u wanna to criticise me, make sure its the kind where i could take it constructively ).. Ive no more fuel to burn.. My venomous thoughts are running dry.. since I was bored to my bones tonight, i decided to this.. Act like a gal and prove to u guys wat mly mats are actualli made of.. heh.. its fun =)
Im cruel... and yet im lovin' it.. heh

[00:13] hi
[00:14] <`anna> yeah?
[00:14] boleh kita berkenalan
[00:15] <`anna> what a lame line
[00:15] emmm
[00:15] how about
[00:15] FUCK U BITCH
[00:15] BE NICE WILL U
[00:16] <`anna> i suspect u hv nothin else but vulgarity
[00:16] <`anna> typical jantan
[00:16] <`anna> not much brain
[00:16] me aint your little todller'
[00:16] <`anna> just wanna show ur balls
[00:16] emm
[00:16] ur kinda girl
[00:16] rude
[00:16] basically or perhap majority
[00:16] kurang ajar rite in malay
[00:17] yeah
[00:17] mak bapak kurang ajar awak eh itu pasal kurang ajr
[00:17] <`anna> kurang ajar to those who lack creativity n imagination
[00:17] emmm
[00:17] like u lah
[00:17] <`anna> rather hv an attitude than be a hypocrite
[00:18] so u that kinda cheap lah
[00:18] ok
[00:18] got u
[00:18] <`anna> ur parents didn't do any better
[00:18] <`anna> so speak for urself
[00:18] better than nothing
[00:19] u should do some soul searching
[00:19] be human for once
[00:19] people have feeling
[00:19] <`anna> the pot calling the kettle black
[00:20] <`anna> if u R the typical malay mat who is so goddamn jiwang
[00:20] <`anna> u hv too much emotions
[00:20] <`anna> try usin ur brain instead
[00:20] <`anna> in which case
[00:20] <`anna> u need to do soul searching too
[00:20] orang berbudi awak brbahasa org memberi kita merasa
[00:20] <`anna> eh pls lah
[00:21] <`anna> dun give me that awak kita
[00:21] ooo
[00:21] <`anna> u R a loser who dunno how to control ur feelings
[00:21] typical malay
[00:21] loser
[00:21] me
[00:21] ok
[00:21] <`anna> easier to lose control than to keep it
[00:21] lagi
[00:21] <`anna> u lose
[00:21] ok
[00:22] piking up a fight?
[00:22] ok
[00:22] <`anna> fight?
[00:22] call me if u dare
[00:22] <`anna> is that all u think abt?
[00:22] <`anna> u R a goddamn loser u know that?
[00:22] dare?
[00:22] <`anna> dare?
[00:23] <`anna> that is child's play
[00:23] <`anna> i'm not 15 for ur info
[00:23] <`anna> reverse psychology in bad taste dun affect me
[00:23] <`anna> try better tricks
[00:23] ok
[00:23] ok
[00:23] maybe u dah rosak lah
[00:23] oklah
[00:24] <`anna> yucks
[00:25] <`anna> ur language sounds like typical mat
[00:25] <`anna> u make me nauseous
[00:25] <`anna> get the hell out of my sight
[00:25] * `anna types /ignore ed25

Is it too much to ask for a Malay/Muslim guy who's intelligent and wise? One who have wits and can make a retreat gentleman's style when he is rejected? One who takes you to task with reason rather than demand your obedience by demonstrating how huge his balls are? One who treats women with compassion unconditionally? I guess I just hate malay's mat too much OR maybe i was the victim to their lame jokes since im black.. heh u decide... Oh btw if u think the second reasoning was the reason... think again!

When will malays stop thinking that they are the superior race? Wat by getting themselves involve to hiphop and other cultures and concepts ( altho they know nutthing abt it ) like gangsterism make them feel cool and powerful?? Yup i do admit. im a hiphopper alright.. but I dont see hiphop as an in-thing where it's all abt coolness and sex like most hiphoppers in SG do. I see it as a way to get myself into political mainstream.. After all, tt's wat hiphop is all abt.. To have the freedom of speech ( SG is the onli democratic country in Asia which dosent have Freedom Of Speech better off being a communistic country rite? ) and to fight for ur right like the old american africans did.. Fight and abolish racism..

I bet if gals hate hiphoppers.. SG hiphop will be in its infancy like 10 yrs ago.. No doubt abt tt coz there'll be no more coolness in it... heh

2003-12-06T11:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I don't know what's fucking wrong with me. Some fucking bastards and bitches have shown such disdain that I live my fucking life with regrets. They relish they enjoy fucking different gals or end up a fucking divorcee at a young age. So what am I supposed to feel? That I'm missing a whole lot of fucking things in life simply because I don't go around having a jolly good time fucking? What the fuck! Is fucking all that people think of these days and little else matters? What the fuck man. People these days live for fucking and jamming and clubbing and dining and wining and dating a million of other guys and gals even tho they are attached. Those people who don't go around fucking and jamming and clubbing and dining and wining and dating a million of other guys and gals even tho they are attached are considered wasting their lives away. Sins are in. Conscience is out.
( try to remove the vulgarities as it may help u to understand better heh ) feel much better now tho'

People these days lose respect for religion. They justify drifting away from religion by saying things like religion is the cause of war. But that's just the tip of the iceberg. People drift away from religion because religion inflicts upon them guilty conscience when they fail to meet up with the ethical standards of religion. In order to be free from guilt, they nullify the credibility of the religion. It's that simple in this age where people think they can override everything else.

I wonder how these people can make me feel so small when it should be the other way round. But I think I know the answer. I lack Faith. It's pure and simple.

Continuation....

Do I need a woman in my life? I sure do. As a Muslim, I have to believe that's true. It's all in the Quran and Hadith. I wish my life is simpler. Get a woman, get married, have children and live happily ever after. ( been reading a lot of books abt Islam heh )

I don't have to tell you that life's not a fairytale. You can cease to care about things you can't be bothered with. But it won't go away. It's gonna be there always. But ignorance is bliss. And forgetfulness is a blessing. People don't commit suicide over their mistakes either because they are ignorant or they forget.

Continuation...

It's 35 minutes before bedtime. To survive on four hours sleep, I need to time it well. Otherwise I'd feel pretty lethargic and dazed in the day.

These days I keep wondering how my life would end. How does it feel when death draw near? I guess initially you'll feel the searing agony from that fatal pain inflicted on you, followed by a sense of suffocation as life is squeezed out of you.

I guess paranoia has set in. I get the feeling people are wishing I'd drop dead or something. You don't have to tell me otherwise. It's for God to decide. But I'd like to be ready when death comes knocking on my door.

During my most turbulent days, I did ask God to end my life if I cannot find enlightenment to stop me from committing more sins on this earth. As it turned out, He did give me enlightenment. But like I said before, faith fluctuates. Right now, I feel I'm at one of the lowest ebbs of my life.

And I feel so exhausted. Lately I've been asking should I move on or wait for it all to end here and now?

I know God will answer me in time. He always has. =)

Just think abt it.. u ask for for wisdom, HE gives u problems for u to solve so u'll be wiser. u ask for love, He sends troubled ppl for u to help so u could love them. u ask for strength, HE'll give u obstacles for u to overcome so u'll be more formidable.

God gives nutthing that u ask for.. Instead HE'll give u everything that u need.. cool huh??

Oh yeah dont try reverse psychology by asking for more problems so HE'll send wisdom.. That probably wont work.. heh

2003-12-05T11:26:00.000-08:00

( Sometimes i wonder... what is the point of falling in love when love hates u... im in love alright.. but she dosent love me at all.. i dunnoe i feel totally lost... im no longer special to anyone.. u noe whu im refering too.. frem friends to stead frem stead to frens frem frens to nutthing... why must everything turns out bad fer me? God.. help me send some guidance pls... go away pls!!! just leave me alone!!! pls! )

I should have known better. But after all have been said and done, it just fortifies my resolve. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Who knows? God works in mysterious ways.

I almost forget some people ever exist. Indeed forgetfulness is a blessing.

Life is a matter of making use of one another. Maybe there is truth in what my former classmate said years ago. I may be slow-witted but that does not make me any less formidable. Am I missing something here? I doubt so. Everything comes in a package. I realise you can't have the cake and eat it too. You can do it only in the short term. But in the long term, you gonna lose one or another.

So why do some people seem to have it all? I think they don't. They just hide their troubles well by choosing to ignore those troubles and live in a world of self-delusion. To them, this is what clear conscience is all about. Ignorance is bliss. Forgetfulness prevents us from committing suicide.

That explains why i've had suicide tendecies. Maybe if i just forget abt my problems everything will werk out just fine...
But how e hell am i gonna forget all my problems?? Bang my head onto the wall till i get amnesia?? Have been doing a lot of thinking how to solve my problems and i come up with this.. A problem wouldnt be a problem if u stop thinking abt it.. Distract urself and InsyaAllah things will be fine.. Kind of gd dont u think?? yeah i just dun wanna let ppl in e past whu have been missing e actions in my life and suddenly appear rite under my nose and said... " U are nutthing to me anymore" heck.. im strong i noe tt ive been thru a lot of shit and wat makes u think tt im not gonna able to overcome this? although i've to admit tt this is the biggest obstacle so far but im determined to get over it.. Nutthing can stop me onli Allah Himself....all u can do is slow me down... Besides ive been busy werking so i guess i wont be thinking abt my problems.. heh.. U noe tt u mean a lot to me but why must u purposely hurt me like dat? well i hope tt time will heal my broken heart and kill all the love for u in me.... Time is an imaginary thing yet it is so powerful... so bubbye to the person i love ( since i wont be loving u anymore in e future ) and hello watever gd tt awaits fer me in the future! heh..

"'ve come undone and all hopes of mending
me are gone because the pain took my soul.
Can't you see? The only one who can put me
back together again is me."

I took a quiz.. and i think it's true.. scroll down if u wanna see it aite? peace :D absolutely determined! heh tt's wat im feeling now!

2003-12-04T11:25:00.000-08:00

People have told me that I'm cold. And yeah, I guess there are times when some people feel like murdering me.

Doesn't that scare me? Well you're talking about a person who used to have suicidal tendencies when life seemed to have lost all its meanings. I used to have this urge to jump out of the window of a moving bus or smash my head through glass or wall. Of course I didn't do those things. Why? Cause I was too regimented into the conventional ways of doing things.

It took the rejuvenation of faith to make me realize I can't take my life cause it's not my own. Maybe I'm not destined to have a life. But perhaps God places me on earth to help other people live their lives. People are often surprised I can actually be sensitive at times. Beneath my harsh exterior, I understand more than people usually give me credit for. But hey it's okay with me. Takes off the pressure having to be good all the time.
I leave my life and death in the hands of God. He'd take care of everything. I can only pray and seek solace in my faith in Him.

You know, I'm kind of weird since I was a child. People laughed at my idiosyncratic ways. I remember as a kid when I couldn't tie up my hair right ( since i gota along hair when i was lil.), I'd pull my hair hard willing it to cry out for all the frustrations it caused me. More bizarre was my tendency to place my fingers on the sole of my foot and kiss them every time I stepped on a book or a newspaper to avoid being stupid. Years later, I learned these were signs of compulsive disorder due to anxiety. I think I even suffered from agoraphobia ( there're more weird stuff actually )

As a child faced with uncertainties and seeking for approval, you kind of try to fit in the world. But I guess when you do things which aren't really you, you do them badly. So I've never really fitted in anywhere. I'm more of a nomad who goes around 'shopping' for ideas and values.

I guess I'm a kaleidoscope of things that can be contradictory and paradoxical which makes me unpredictable and temperamental. I know I'm one of the hardest person to get along with. In fact, I've given up hope that anyone will understand me at all. So I don't really bother about getting along with people. I keep to myself most times to save myself and others the agony of conflict. I hate conflicts but I get into them effortlessly. Needless to say it's conflicting. But that's me alright. A schizophrenic.

You know. It hurts when people think bad about you. But I think I've passed the stage where I felt sorry for myself. When you dwell in self-pity, there's no hope. You want to know what spurs me on? Anger and vengeance. These feelings lifted me to greater heights. But you know what? They are also forces of annihilation. They eat you up inside. You feel the power growing in you but at the same time, you feel a freezing kind of suffocation killing the human being in you.

I guess that's how Anakin Skywalker aka Darth Vader must have felt. I'd better be very, very wary of the dark side.
You know what the problem is with people like me and Anakin Skywalker aka Darth Vader? We feel too much. And when people and circumstances seem to invalidate our feelings time and time again, we eventually steel ourselves to become colder and colder and more and more distant. Cause we thought that's what people want. But all people want is for us to be compliant to them. They don't give a damn about our well-being. Little do they know they are creating monsters out of us due to their selfishness and callousness. The reformed us would ask is it even worth it to listen to bad advice? You can listen to feedback be it positive or negative. But never let anybody dictates the decisions you make. Know thyself well.

I'm not pushing blame here. But this is a causal effect kind of thing. Yeah you can say I'm trying my amateurish hand in psychoanalytical hypothesis.

2003-12-03T11:24:00.000-08:00

FuCk OfF!
The words from some dark recesses
Reverberating throughout my senses
The searing pain inside my heart
My head feels a rush of blood

My spirit soars to dizzying heights
Only to free fall with no respite
The echoes deafening in my ears
Taunting my hopes with a thousand fears

Wondering if your heart has ceased
Wondering if it needs a brand new lease
Wondering if you still have a soul
Wondering how you fake it all

I don't know why I have to hurt
When you churn out those meaningless words
I pretend to believe in all the lies
But ruefully thinking of the impending goodbye

I really don't know who you are
And it's becoming more and more bizarre
Your voice so deafening yet so hollow
I am not even listening anymore

If u wanna go fine... i cant stop u... Whu am i anyway? im just a freak of nature hehz... U stepped into my life out of curiousity and stepped out after a lil bit of turbulence.. hehz... Never mind ... there's no point fer me to be angry anyway....
I shed all my tears when i lost my first gf.. its not tt u dont mean anythin to me but im just sick and tired of losing in this BGR thing.. Even if i had the tears.. how much must i shed in order fer u to come back? hehz no matter how much, u wont come back.. well enjoy ur life ( i really mean it ) take care... heck! all i noe now is tt im one step closer to a gal whu is meant fer me.. maybe tt gal dosent exist? if she dosent.. wat can i do? all i want is a baby gal whu'll i give the life i've never had.. maybe i shud just adopt one.. besides i got reasons why it'll be ok if i dun get married

1. my genes will be passed down to my children and try to imagine how hideous he or she will be and i'll feel guilty abt it

2. i'll never make a gd husband coz fer a guy to have sucessful relationship u must have ML^2 ( money looks love ) and
i'll could prolly afford to give one..( love )

I have no more feelings now.. my heart is shattered into a million pieces.. a heart is like a piece of glass u see.. when it's broken and even tho sumone manage to patch the broken heart.. there'll still be cracks.. fer mine, i dun think there's any other gal ( although i hope there is ) out there whu is willing enuff to patch my heart again.. sometimes i pray and hope tt God will end my life soon.. i just dun wanna live anymore!
well now u see it tt im weak!! feel free to hurt me emotionally, mentally and/ or physically.. i dun care anymore!
im at the most vulnerable point of my life... fer those whu hate me, use this advantage to destroy me.. destroy my life destroy my dreams destroy everything tt's in me so ive nuttin to hold me back frem killing myself.. i dun have strength anymore.. i dun think.. correction. i noe i wont pass my O levels.. i couldnt even make a gal happy... im useless.....
and i bet tt ppl will come up to me and say haikel, no one is born ugly or/and stupid.. Fuck tt! i got my own reasons why i shud not believe tt! Im stupid as shit ugly as fuck!
Fer those whu have strength.. like maisurah, farihah, Kyz, D, Iskandar, Ayuni, maisarah .... im proud of u guys..

2003-12-02T23:22:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about tense situation. Not many people can deal with it. They'd try to avoid it at all cause. But tense situations hardly put me off. I can just set aside my emotions and pretend as if nothing ever happens. Strained relationships are as troublesome as flies, fleas and mosquitoes. They are irritating but doesn't really affect your entire life - as long as you don't let them get under your skin.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Live one day at a time and cross the bridge only when you come to it. Do things with a clear conscience and maybe life can move on easier.

This advice may werk fer u guys with BGR probs....

another advice

I believe in poetic justice. You should too.

For every moment I hurt others, I get hurt. And for every moment others hurt me, they get hurt. So do I care I get hurt and others get hurt by me? The answer is no. I've enough of living life in regrets. My face has become thick-skinned and I can just laugh off these incidents like they have never happened. I'll only sober up when retribution knocks on my door or their door.

That, my friend, is The School of Hard Knocks. Welcome to the real world. It's time to wake up and smell the coffee.

Get this in ur head and u'll be strong.. but dun over do it coz u mite hurt e ones u love..

Time seems to be moving so fast. But not fast enough. It's already December. And it's one of the lowest ebb of my life.

Somehow I find myself standing alone on all fronts. Nothing new about that. I know how to numb myself and grit my teeth and move on. I'm thick-skinned when it comes to these things.

What I'm feeling right now is a mix of guilt, anger, frustration and sadness. I no longer see the world in black and white. Hence, it's much easier to cope. I know am not totally blameless. And pushing the blame on other people is not the smartest thing to do in the long run. It renders you irresponsible. People do that all the time. They relish it when they can push the blame on other people. But when other people do it to them, they get whopping mad. Double standards. People will do the utmost to save their skin.

I welcome this cold phantom whose cold hand is circling my heart. I am freezing cold and the next time round, I'll care less and less. Hehz.. if u scroll down you'll see tt i either taste of death or lemon.. hmmm i like death ( I was aiming for a gothic look, something medieval. Like the vampires I saw in the drama series Kindred shown on local TV a couple of years back. Turn out instead of appearing as 'hantu orang putih', I appear more like 'hantu keling' because of my Indian feature and Black skin. Tough luck huh? ) but i think i more to lemon.. I realised tt i no longer joke ard like i used to.. More and more ppl have been complaining that im too serious.. to tell ya guys frankly, i like me now.. i'll try not to get too serious when im out with u guys.. Hmmm kind of struck me in my mind when i was abt to end this entry... someone i knew has also got frens complaining abt he/she being to serious.. cant remember who...
[ Mon Dec 01, 07:54:31 AM | Haikel Zaini | edit ]
Oh fuck! ( a gd way to start an entry ) Whoever bothers to read this blog of mine. I'd say my piece and you can think whatever you like.

I guess some people think they can figure me out by reading my blogs. Can they really? They can use my blogs against me. But do they realise their remarks and actions reflect on them as well?

It's been so long that people have tried to make me feel that I'm wrong. Despite my intentions, all people see is the cold arrogant asshole in me.
But I've seen people who've called me *biadap* and *kurang ajar* being talked about for their bad behaviour. How ironic.

I was told and I'm beginning to believe that when you hate something or someone, it's because there's something in them that remind you of yourself. That's why these days I learn not to hate people too much. As long as they change for the better, I try to forgive and forget.

But some people are just too full of themselves. They never realize their own flaws. So I'll just keep away from them not because I hate them to the core, but because I want to avoid arguing for nothing. I am all for the principle of agreeing to disagree. But not when people only think in terms of winning or losing instead of sharing ideas, opinions and views. When I feel someone argues just for the sake of winning, I'd just shut up. My ego is not that huge. Let the person thinks (s)he's winning. But I know better. Me and my stupid altruism would go for one thing and that is brutal honesty in pursuit of the truth. No matter how much I'm scarred and bruised in that pursuit, I see it as the only noble way to lead my life. So fuck all those who think I've no right to live my life the way I do and I should just shut up simply because my words and action irk them. As if they do not have any nauseating habit that irritates the hell out of other people. But tell them this and they'll come up with vehement denials. They just can't handle the truth.
It hurts seeing people who push all the blame on you without reflecting on themselves at all. People sometimes mistake clear conscience for the coldness of heart. It's plain selfishness that drives them to do that.

I am wrong? I've come across people who hate me like hell but end up befriending me. Why? Maybe because I always want a fair deal regardless whether the person is a friend or an enemy. I do not make a distinction. They are equally human beings.

And still I am a cold arrogant asshole.

I guess I shouldn't bother with people who are shallow minded, who always think about here and now, who think that thinking is a waste of time, who are preoccupied with their earthly possessions.

These are the kind of people who don't give a fuck about me.

So it's not too much for me to do likewise I should think.
And yes. It's funny how I've become a port of call for some lonely soul or another. Once they're happy with their lives, they move on and disappear without a trace. I've always been a fool for this sort of thing.
And it's funny how the people I don't really appreciate would be the ones trying to keep me company.
Maybe in a way I am a self-deluded fool whose focus in life are all wrong. It's possible. I still have a lot of psychological and emotional baggage to clear.

I've always been a fool of a clown who's serious but humorous. Just like Malvolio in Twelfth Night.

Perhaps I've never changed.

The fool that I am.

Continuation....

Finally i got a proper job.. im tired of fixing and setting up sound system. ok im tired now.. havent been getting much sleep lately... Thank u Allah.. i really appreciate it....

Life is like a complicated journey when one has to face reality...

To search for the right path,One has to trust and be trusted too...

Life is not a complicated journey,whenone understands it completely..

Be optismistic when things don't work out and ,

you will find a way out.
-Iskandar ( a dear fren )

Ok i got criticised by a fren fer always tokin abt how fucked my life is.. i wanna thank these ppl fer makin my life meaningful

Iskandar--- Fer bein you.. i tot i was the onli dorky person but hmmm we are somehow alike... Deadly Duo

Maisurah--- tho we just got to noe each other.. u are a caring fren hope things will turn out well fer u..

Cindy---- Fer bein sweet and nice...

Kyz--- Fer bein crappy and yet sensible when im in truble

D---- Same as kyz since U are like twins

Avril-- Eventho u are not in SG u'll be remembered

Julee-- Fer giving me the perfect solution all e time

Ayuni--- ..... cant thnk of anythink lol!

Trackee---- Forgot ur real name.. but still u are a special fren.. got a lot of similarities.. and diff frem others..

if i left anyone out and u are not hapi with it... tag me and give me on gd reason why i shud mention u!

2003-12-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

2003-11-30T23:16:00.000-08:00

Hmmm hari raya was sucky as usual.. Come to think of it, i've neva look forward to it.. To all my readers.. Selamat Hari raya Maaf Zahir N Batin... fer those non-muslims,i aplogise fer all the wrong things i've done to u guys.. Accept it as my sincerest apology k?
Most of my frens noe tt i hate mats!! Not onli i hate em coz they took away someone who is special to me.. but they are the kind of ppl whu'll spoil the beauty of things like culture and clothin..

I made an interesting observation...

Let say ( to my female readers ) u had sex with ur ex ( whu's a mat ) and his fren wants to get to know u coz he sees u as a sex item.. If the guy contact u and he said tt he got ur no. frem ur ex.. u prolly will ignore him rite? a new mat's strategy is " Oh i bought a 2nd hand hp and ur no. was saved inside e phone itself "
my comments abt this tactic... better than the previous one but still STUPID! Is it a natural human behaviour to call or sms someone they dont noe and say " hi boleh berkenal-kenalan? " dosent make sense rite?? *sigh*... more and more gals are bein fooled by this type of guys..

So gals out there, beware!

So happy tt my blog is up and runnin again!! =) decided to keep it simple!

continuation...

i was just thinking wryly how could someone with such seemingly fucked up life like me portray a semblance of normalcy and success. As I broke down, a fren told me she admired me for being such a brave person although she cautioned that my recklessness could jeopardize my life. Sometimes a man just has to do what he has to do. I don't have big dreams. I don't dream of becoming a big shot. I do crave cars but not cash, condominium, credit card and country club membership. I just want to strive for perfection. But people keep telling me it's impossible. God. It's like I'm gonna be saddled with this fucked up life of mine simply because people keep on putting obstacles in my way just to make me lose patience. I feel like a blind person these days as I sink further into despair and exasperation. I'm beginning to lose sight of things. I've failed the test. Yeah I'm a loser alright. For those who think I am so lame, you may put on that smug look on your face. At this point in time, I feel like I'm an ultimate loser. I don't know if I would rise up from this abyss. But I have to because I owe it to God to do that.

Few have seen me cried before. I bet many would love to see me cry. What better ways to gloat at a cold arrogant asshole? Many see tears as a sign of weakness. But to me, the significance of tears goes beyond that. As it weakens you, it subdues your arrogance - a hindrance to Faith, besides ignorance.

As Morpheus in The Matrix will tell you though, "There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path."